having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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