i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
