I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
