You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
