Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
