She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
