Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
