I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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