It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
