It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
false alarm, still single
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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