My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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