well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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