her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
