the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My vagina is officially offended.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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