Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
