yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
