his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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