there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
