I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
