the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
