I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
