worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
