There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i was born a porn star she said
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
