My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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