This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I think I just sharted jello shots
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
