jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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