just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
