I wish I could teleport
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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