4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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