i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
