he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
