is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
