I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
