And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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