the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
