im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
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I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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