Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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