He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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