my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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