Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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