There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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