You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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