I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
