the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
