Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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