apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
