Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
