i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
