and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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