just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
