the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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