I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
