I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Found the puke drawer
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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